Ah, yes, murder!

Writers often contemplate murder, and if they’re married, they may contemplate it more often than usual.  But for the purpose of writing a story, committing murder becomes serious business. Let’s think about it a minute.

The biggest mistake the beginning writer makes is to trivialize the crime.  Actually, killing somebody is not easy if you intend to get away with it.  In which case, treat the act as though it is to actually happen in real life.

Therein is the true test of the professional writer.

I have decided to kill my former wife.  In real life I could never do that because I love her.  But for my story, that’s the decision I’ve made.

First of all, I’ll be the prime suspect in her murder.  Former husbands always are.  So before I can seriously consider the means of homicide, I’m going to need a rock-solid alibi.  Oh, and forget those idiots who hire somebody else to commit the dirty deed.  You’ve seen them on TV asking somebody to recommend a good assassin to bump off the spouse.  Stupid.  If you don’t have the nerve to kill the victim yourself, go for a divorce instead.  The more people who know about it, the more likely you are to spend time eating bad food in highly regimented surroundings with low-IQ companions.  Which, by the way, can be maddening.  Federal pens are better than State, so you may want to kill the old girl in a U.S. Post Office, just in case you do get caught.

Therefore, you are going to do the killing yourself.  What’s your alibi?  If you can’t think of a good one, there’s problem number one, and without an alibi, go back to considering the divorce route.

The best alibi puts you somewhere else at the time of the murder, preferably in the company of someone whose word is indisputable.  If you have a lover, this is bad news for an alibi.  These days lovers run to the cops, write a book, go on Oprah, buy a bikini, and retire to the islands.  Remember how the wife talked about you when you first met?  You were so witty, handsome, charming, and she couldn’t live without you?  Now you’re plotting her demise and who knows what she really thinks of you.  Lovers undergo a distinct change once they suspect you have killed your wife.  It looks bad in court.  If you have a lover, go back to the divorce idea.

Do you have a motive other than a lover?  Insurance, possibly.  The cops are going to find that out and once a jury hears about money AND a lover,  you are dead meat.

You can see, putting together a murder isn’t easy.  Hiring a hit man is too dumb to consider.  So what’s a future felon to do?

Accidents are good.  We’ll discuss that next time.  Until then, get a good night’s rest.  You’re going to need it.