MURDER - tools of the trade:

Killing with an accident is a good idea.  But there are certain drawbacks to the plan.  Suppose you maim, but do not slay your subject.  If you think being married is unpleasant now, imagine somebody who needs bedpans, disposable diapers, alcohol baths and a fresh catheter?  If it takes another blow or two to finish her off, you need to know that any second attempt will be doubly suspect. Make certain the initial accident is going to do the job, or you have compounded your problems.

Falling down a stairwell is a nice idea, but if sudden descent doesn’t do the job, it’s a bad idea to finish her off with additional blows to the head.  Forensic science has gotten so good they can tell when there have been secondary or tertiary attempts.  Most people don’t fall down stairs more than one flight at a time.  It’s like the guy who was found stabbed thirty-seven times.  His wife said he fell on the knife.  Oh, and then he was in such pain he shot himself three times.  She was convicted, of course.  For manslaughter, believe it or not, because she didn’t mean to kill him, she said.

How about throwing your intended off a high cliff/building/out of an airplane/down an elevator shaft?

Remember the alibi.  If there’s reasonable suspicion, they’re going to ask you to take a lie detector test, which, incidentally, you should never do, even if you are really innocent.  Polygraphs serve the needs of cops, but not the accused.  So, decline.  And try to avoid psychics, too.  It’ll give you the creeps to have somebody talking to the decedent and she’s revealing details only the dearly departed could possibly know.

You can see that murder is complicated.  An accident is a good idea in principle, but it can be fraught with pitfalls.  Think it through carefully.  In all cases, you must avoid inheriting a completely dependent vegetable.  You just thought you had problems before.  The best accident has a Cajun twist to it.  You know, Cajun jokes have a double-punchline.  A Cajun putting siding on a house, selects a nail, examines it, and throws it away.  Another nail, throws it away.  Another nail, he drives it in the siding.  His boss says, “Hey, fool, what you doing?” The carpenter says, “Some of these nails have de head on a wrong end.”  The boss says, “Idiot!  Those nails are for the other side of the house.”  Double punchline, see?  In the case of murder, auto wreck followed by fire: double whammy.  Down the stairs, then the house burns down.  But you’ve got to think it through.

Don’t forget the need for an alibi.  Don’t do anything until you’ve got  a good one.

We’ll talk about that next time.