Okay, you’ve decided to kill the old girl and you’re going to do it yourself.  No botched hit man’s plan, this is something you should keep to yourself.  First, a good alibi is essential.

Most really good alibis are true, that’s why they’re good alibis.  If you are unconscious and under  intensive care of a good nurse who records every poke of her hypodermic — and the hospital is far away from the murder scene, that’s a good alibi.  Having dinner with the mayor at the time the crime is committed is pretty good, too, especially if you’re on the West Coast and the murder happened in New York City.  You see the problem, don’t you?  It must be obvious that you could not have killed your wife.

But, you know, we need to face reality here.  Most criminals are stupid.  Is that you?  The fact that you are seriously contemplating homicide is pretty good evidence you aren’t at the head of your class intellectually.  In Mobile, Alabama a man approached a bank teller and demanded money.  The teller said she couldn’t give him that much cash without some identification.  The moron pulled out his wallet and presented his driver’s license.  We’re hoping you’re smarter than that poor boob, who needed to be locked up for his own protection.

Alibi.  Alibi.  This is the tough part.  You could use a booby trap to kill her.  You are somewhere else when the trap springs.  You have an alibi; she’s dead.  If you cannot be tied to the murder device you’re home free.

I wrote a book in which the murder device was so good I was afraid to have it published for fear people might actually use it.  Then, a woman in Missississippi did use it.  Therefore I can now describe it with a clear conscience.  Well, as clear as my conscience gets anyway. 

She filled a condom with gasoline, placed it under the dashboard of his car right over the cigarette lighter.  When he decided to smoke — poof!  Double whammy, see.  Bad burns, auto wreck.  The investigation found gasoline, latex, but nothing that isn’t usually in a car.  She got away with it until somebody (we won’t say who) suggested how it was done.  Then she confessed.

Do not confess.  Like the lady whose husband suffered thirty-seven stab wounds because he fell on his knife, and then, in great pain, shot himself three times.  The lady still says she is innocent.  Stick to the lie.  Have some guts about this.  If you’re going to wimp out, this will never work.  Do NOT confess.

It’s going to take a while to come up with a great alibi, but it’s worth the effort.  Keep thinking.  Just because this is fiction does not let you off the hook.  You must treat the crime as though it is real life.  Otherwise, your story sends a subliminal lesson to the reader, “This couldn’t possibly work.”

By the way, having talked to detectives, I advise you keep your story simple.  Don’t embellish.  “He fell on the knife thirty-seven times, and in great pain, he shot himself three times.”  Simple.

Nobody said this would be easy.  Don’t be lazy.  Keep thinking.  You need an alibi before you can get to the end of your sweet nemesis, the maddening wife.

We’ll consider various deadly means next time…

MURDER - tools of the trade:

Killing with an accident is a good idea.  But there are certain drawbacks to the plan.  Suppose you maim, but do not slay your subject.  If you think being married is unpleasant now, imagine somebody who needs bedpans, disposable diapers, alcohol baths and a fresh catheter?  If it takes another blow or two to finish her off, you need to know that any second attempt will be doubly suspect. Make certain the initial accident is going to do the job, or you have compounded your problems.

Falling down a stairwell is a nice idea, but if sudden descent doesn’t do the job, it’s a bad idea to finish her off with additional blows to the head.  Forensic science has gotten so good they can tell when there have been secondary or tertiary attempts.  Most people don’t fall down stairs more than one flight at a time.  It’s like the guy who was found stabbed thirty-seven times.  His wife said he fell on the knife.  Oh, and then he was in such pain he shot himself three times.  She was convicted, of course.  For manslaughter, believe it or not, because she didn’t mean to kill him, she said.

How about throwing your intended off a high cliff/building/out of an airplane/down an elevator shaft?

Remember the alibi.  If there’s reasonable suspicion, they’re going to ask you to take a lie detector test, which, incidentally, you should never do, even if you are really innocent.  Polygraphs serve the needs of cops, but not the accused.  So, decline.  And try to avoid psychics, too.  It’ll give you the creeps to have somebody talking to the decedent and she’s revealing details only the dearly departed could possibly know.

You can see that murder is complicated.  An accident is a good idea in principle, but it can be fraught with pitfalls.  Think it through carefully.  In all cases, you must avoid inheriting a completely dependent vegetable.  You just thought you had problems before.  The best accident has a Cajun twist to it.  You know, Cajun jokes have a double-punchline.  A Cajun putting siding on a house, selects a nail, examines it, and throws it away.  Another nail, throws it away.  Another nail, he drives it in the siding.  His boss says, “Hey, fool, what you doing?” The carpenter says, “Some of these nails have de head on a wrong end.”  The boss says, “Idiot!  Those nails are for the other side of the house.”  Double punchline, see?  In the case of murder, auto wreck followed by fire: double whammy.  Down the stairs, then the house burns down.  But you’ve got to think it through.

Don’t forget the need for an alibi.  Don’t do anything until you’ve got  a good one.

We’ll talk about that next time.

Ah, yes, murder!

Writers often contemplate murder, and if they’re married, they may contemplate it more often than usual.  But for the purpose of writing a story, committing murder becomes serious business. Let’s think about it a minute.

The biggest mistake the beginning writer makes is to trivialize the crime.  Actually, killing somebody is not easy if you intend to get away with it.  In which case, treat the act as though it is to actually happen in real life.

Therein is the true test of the professional writer.

I have decided to kill my former wife.  In real life I could never do that because I love her.  But for my story, that’s the decision I’ve made.

First of all, I’ll be the prime suspect in her murder.  Former husbands always are.  So before I can seriously consider the means of homicide, I’m going to need a rock-solid alibi.  Oh, and forget those idiots who hire somebody else to commit the dirty deed.  You’ve seen them on TV asking somebody to recommend a good assassin to bump off the spouse.  Stupid.  If you don’t have the nerve to kill the victim yourself, go for a divorce instead.  The more people who know about it, the more likely you are to spend time eating bad food in highly regimented surroundings with low-IQ companions.  Which, by the way, can be maddening.  Federal pens are better than State, so you may want to kill the old girl in a U.S. Post Office, just in case you do get caught.

Therefore, you are going to do the killing yourself.  What’s your alibi?  If you can’t think of a good one, there’s problem number one, and without an alibi, go back to considering the divorce route.

The best alibi puts you somewhere else at the time of the murder, preferably in the company of someone whose word is indisputable.  If you have a lover, this is bad news for an alibi.  These days lovers run to the cops, write a book, go on Oprah, buy a bikini, and retire to the islands.  Remember how the wife talked about you when you first met?  You were so witty, handsome, charming, and she couldn’t live without you?  Now you’re plotting her demise and who knows what she really thinks of you.  Lovers undergo a distinct change once they suspect you have killed your wife.  It looks bad in court.  If you have a lover, go back to the divorce idea.

Do you have a motive other than a lover?  Insurance, possibly.  The cops are going to find that out and once a jury hears about money AND a lover,  you are dead meat.

You can see, putting together a murder isn’t easy.  Hiring a hit man is too dumb to consider.  So what’s a future felon to do?

Accidents are good.  We’ll discuss that next time.  Until then, get a good night’s rest.  You’re going to need it.